Jeremy Kyle – and the VERY serious failings of TV

The mass reaction against the exploitative nature of so-called “reality” TV ought to have come sooner.

The Jeremy Kyle Show was quite simply, VILE.

I’m so glad it’s been axed.

This show used troubled people, and those who have suffered from poor education, to create crass, shouty entertainment.

It showcased people’s lack of eloquence and often poor moral judgement - for the sake of ratings.

Hate-filled and hateful. I always thought so.

It’s very sad that it’s taken the death of one of the programme’s guests to bring about its end. May God bless the soul of tragic Steve Dymond – one of many who went on the show at a very low point in his life, wanting to save a failed relationship.

Other people who’ve been guests are now telling of how they were encouraged to be shouty when voicing their stories, and the studio audience were clearly encouraged to boo and jeer etc. Horrible stuff.

Kyle’s own style as a presenter was extremely abrasive. That is simply not right when dealing with people with problems. Sensitivity and pastoral skills are needed in such circumstances but, hey, that just doesn’t get the ratings in dumbed-down Britain.

Apparently, the show had care teams for the guests. Not very effective ones, in my view.

And it’s the dumbing down element of much of mainstream television that is such a huge problem. Not just The Jeremy Kyle Show.

Television doesn’t merely CATER for stupid viewers. It actively CREATES stupidity in millions of people who like to watch such vile junk such as that daytime Kyle hatefest – and much of the other mainstream output.

Many generations have now grown up hooked on screen entertainment. We can’t in the West, if we are to survive as a civilisation, carry on in this way. We are making ourselves look VERY stupid.

What’s happening is serious. We are witnessing a big failure in the proper formation and transmission of human identity.

It’s not, of course, only the programmes that showcase the problems of “ordinary people” that are contributing to the spread of vacuous and uncaring attitudes. Other “reality” shows such as Love Island present utterly the wrong view of what it takes to be an admirable person.

Being a good human being involves developing personal discernment and an internal moral compass. It’s NOT about having pouty lips, big tits, or tight abdominal muscles.

Now, I’m pleased (kind of) that MPs have announced an inquiry into the wider issues surrounding “reality” TV and the duty of care for people who become involved – though in this era of Brexit pantomime politics it is hard to believe the inquiry will be effective.

And, in fact, when I see trailers for all sorts of TV entertainment, even drama these days, I’m filled with despair. 

Do adults really get a kick out of watching all those US TV serials and box sets, packed with car chases, gun-toting and macho posing?

And why all the fuss about Game of Thrones? It seems like children’s entertainment to me. I certainly can’t take seriously all those young queens or whatever they are! They look like fresh-faced young middle-class lasses fresh out of drama school to me. Oooh, luvvy, you WEREN’T marvellous!

Back in my days as the television critic of ITV’s ORACLE service, I foresaw the way things were heading in telly land.

And I wasn’t wrong …

The utter shite that is modern TV!

People used to get very excited about what special ‘treats’ the main channels would offer at Christmas. Not any more.

The top ten ratings for Christmas Day 2018 indicate a big decline.

The Queen’s Christmas Broadcast took the No1 slot with a meagre 6.3 million viewers. Some social justice warriors took offence because Her Maj was sat by a golden piano. Zzzzzz …

Michael McIntyre’s Big Christmas Show came second with 6.1m viewers. Of course, I didn’t watch it! Because I’m not a thick person, that’s why!

McIntyre is one of many so-called comedians favoured by the BBC that I not only don’t find funny, but who also come across as intensely irritating. John Bishop is another.

Coronation Street is the only ITV product in the top ten – with a measly 4.6m watching. What a spectacular decline! Corrie used to pull in more than 20 million viewers per episode back in the 1980s. Mind you, back then it wasn’t the unrelenting tale of abject misery it is now.

I am frequently horrified at the utter banality of TV offerings. Television aims low, and the result is the turning of the viewing public into morons. Those that don’t take the sensible option of switching off, that is, and reading a book, or going for a walk, or going to the pub (all three are better options that staring at the idiot’s lantern).

Of course, the decline of terrestrial TV is only one part of the story. Many people now turn to streaming services instead. But from what I see they are no better – too way too much gun-toting and car-chasing for my liking. And as for things such as Game of Thrones, really? Are people so dumb they take that stuff seriously?

I did watch a bit of telly over the festive period. The bio-drama Torvill & Dean (ITV) wasn’t TOO bad (certainly well cast), though it did have some flaws. It fudged the issue of whether there was sexual attraction between the skaters. Also, that sequence filmed through a bus window didn't work. It ought to have been edited out. Plus, the drama was way too long.

I also start to watch the Bond film Quantum of Solace. But only for the opening 15 minutes or so, which was so predictable – loads of car-chasing, gun-shooting, and macho men (I’m guessing stunt doubles rather than actors) leaping across exotic rooftops etc. Boring!

When it came for a bit of straightforward acting in the film, I simply couldn’t bear to watch Daniel Craig as 007. The man looks like he’s permanently and painfully constipated.

And talking of luvvies, I’m so sick of seeing them front up slow-motion compassion porn adverts for charities. Crying children, chained donkeys etc. Then the luvvies urge you to “text CARE to give just £3 per month”, which presumably goes to funding the next ridiculous advert, or other marketing bullcrap, or the inflated salaries of charity bosses.

Anyhoo, here’s wishing you a happy and hopefully screen-reduced New Year. You will feel much better for it.     

Hmmm ... not half bad - C4's Hang Ups

It's not often I see anything to raise even a wry smile on Channel 4.

C4's schedule is crammed with awful home-grown rubbish for thick people - such as Bake Off (nicked from the Beeb), Hollyoaks, Come Dine With Me, and endless repeats of US sitcoms.

But Hang Ups is not half bad. It's well cast and well acted.

It's about a stressed and relatively new therapist, Dr Richard Pitt (Stephen Mangan), who's trying to cover his debts by offering counselling sessions by video link to various people who are crazy in the coconuts. 

Best (i.e. most darkly entertaining) of Richard's clients is a hard man Neil Quinn (played by Steve Oram) to whom the therapist owes a lorra lorra money.

Mangan carries the show with entertaining displays of his character's stressful life, personal dysfunctionality and VERY irritating family.

This sitcom has a most whizzy pace, which is at first distracting, but ultimately adds to the dark comedic charm on offer throughout.

There are plenty of outrageous sexual references - good, and commendably British, of course! - and the best of those are delivered in a deadpan way by Richard E. Grant, who is the therapist to our therapist protagonist, played so expressively by Mangan.

It's a comedy that says something quite profound about the breakdown of social and family relationships in our contemporary, digitally obsessed society. Well, we might as well laugh - as our world is clearly heading for Hell in handcart.

Hang Ups,  which is also co-written by Mangan, is an adapted version of an US comedy TV show called Web Therapy. I haven't seen the US original, but I've heard the British version is much better - and somehow I have no difficulty in believing that.

Macron & Trump – they got it so wrong!

The Macron / Trump thing that played out on TV news over the past few days is not what it seems.

Predictably, it was from the start misreported by the networks who always make the mistake, editorially, of speaking to filmed images in their reporting. 

No, dummies! Actually, you don’t have to report things that way just because it’s television. Paradoxically, in this sort of story, wise words and news analysis are far more important than images.

Trump’s and Macron’s bromance antics in front of camera were very obviously insincere – certainly on the part of Macron, who is intelligent, compared to Trump, who’s as thick as pig shit.

But even Trump was playing a game – not with any finesse, of course.

The political establishment in Trump’s own country can’t abide him, for the very good reason that he totally lacks the grace, intelligence, and dignity desirable – though in recent decades not always present –  in a President of the United States.

So, the POTUS, rather childishly, used this state visit to show the swamp of Washington that at least one other national leader (apart from Kim Jon-un) has respect for him. And clearly, more than respect ... love.  

That was the unsubtle message. And Macron was, superficially at least, prepared to reciprocate all those undignified hands-on signs of affection that Trump lavished on him.

Now, I know there were as a background to this state visit quite a lot of opportunities to be seized for geopolitical posing and positioning in what is now, frankly, a very volatile world.

But I don’t think those opportunities will lead to anything – because all intelligent observers will (following initial sniggering) have been disgusted by the tackiness of the displays put on by both men. 

The games Trump and Macron played for the TV cameras are not right or fitting for national leaders. In the long term, they will both lose because of their antics.  

And while Macron did do well to keep a straight face as the chump that is Trump chuntered on inarticulately during their speeches at the White House on Tuesday, frankly those scenes will not sit comfortably with the French people or the international community.

Trump is clearly a narcissist of the most vulgar variety, and I have long suspected that, for all his waffle about democracy and liberty, Macron is also a narcissist, albeit of a rather subtle variety.

I’m going to end this posting with a link to a very good American satire about Trump, by the New York-based comedian Randy Rainbow. In this, Mr Rainbow (his real name, apparently!) lambasts Trump to great effect.

The piece includes the line, addressed to Trump: “You are a grabby, braggadocious creep-o.” The musical routine takes a while to get started but it is hilarious and performed with an arch campness of a high British rather than American standard. Enjoy, and at the same time, be afraid …

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LTosB6V_V24

Mel & Sue's Generation Game - TV for thick people

There's obviously been some insider bitching going on at the BBC about how awful the new series is of The Generation Game.

I don't need any persuading. Even by the abysmally low standards of TV light entertainment, the launch show on Sunday (1 April) was utter crap.

Mel Giedroyc and Sue Perkins are both unconvincing as they try to chummy up with the contestants. This pair have made a very good living out of being condescending to ordinary people (including viewers) in recent years.

Perkins is smugness personified. There is a bit more human warmth to Giedroyc - but neither is a good communicator.

This first show was over-cheery and fatuous in tone from the opening 'game', which was basically a silly pottery-making scenario, featuring the over-rated Johnny Vegas, who's clearly a MUCH better potter than he is a comedian or comedy actor.

And, oh, when the contestants had to handle wet clay to make a handle for a teapot, goodness me, didn't it look like they were stroking a wet penis?!

Well, that might have been funny - but not with Mel and Sue pulling their annoying arch faces, and Johnny Vegas tittering away in the background.

And anyway, the pottery thing with Vegas had been done before - on The Generation Game in 2005. How unimaginative to start a new series of an old format with a repeated feature.

Next up in the 'new' show was a Bollywood-style dance troupe. Great movers they were, but it was simply patronising to expect overweight and middle aged contestants to replicate those sort of routines.

But, hey, that's what contemporary TV is all about - making fun of ordinary people who've paid their TV licences. 

Well that, and paying mediocrities such as Mel and Sue way too much money.

Also, I couldn't see the point on having two 'celebrity guests' on the new show. Some speccy geek from a boring panel show was one. The other was Lorraine Kelly.

I used to have a lot of time for Lorraine, but as her daytime ITV show reveals, she's now all too happy to take the money for being regarded as 'TV talent'. She uses her airtime to big up the unimportant things in life - such as ageing pop stars, other light entertainment fluffheads and endless fashion shite. 

There is very little genuine talent among the industry's perceived pool of 'TV talent'.

There is much that is damaging to contemporary society in the output of mainstream TV. In shamelessly catering for what it considers to be its brain-dead viewers, television is, sadly, making more and more people very, very stupid indeed.

And frankly, that dynamic is causing serious damage to the proper transmission of human identity in a country where, anyway,  education and moral training are failing alarmingly fast.

I intend to challenge the practices and programme content of TV.

Someone needs to do that ... and change the game for the sake of future generations. 

Watch this space.
   

It really was ... The Greatest!

It’s not often I go to see a play, but I’m a happier and more reflective man for having experienced ‘The Greatest’ at the Oran Mor in Glasgow.

It’s a drama rammed with sharp, jokey dialogue, but it also makes you think seriously about life – about being an outsider (even when young) and about what ageing brings in this era of care homes.

As the title suggests, it’s also about Muhammad Ali, and a visit he made to Scotland in the 1960s.

As we watch a friendship develop between a resident of the care home, Jimmy (Billy MacBain) and the slightly truculent but likeable young blogger Orwell (Rebekah Lumsden), a strange and pleasing story emerges of how Jimmy as a young man had knocked out Muhammad Ali before a wee sparring session got a chance to start.

Ali didn't even have time to pick up his gloves all those years ago when Jimmy – overcome with delight at meeting his hero – decked the world champ! Young Jimmy got slapped around a bit for doing that, but I guess it was worth it.

This play’s written by Alan Muir, a good friend of mine. I used to work with him when we were reporters for the same newspaper in Scotland 20-odd years ago. Even back then I recognised his very strong writing talent, his observational skill and distinct, every-present humour.

But, believe me, this write-up of mine is no puff-piece to boost a pal’s developing career as a writer.

I really, really enjoyed Alan’s play, which was deftly directed by Ron Bain. Its short run to packed houses at the Oran Mor has now finished but there are hopes of staging it elsewhere – perhaps as a part of the Edinburgh Fringe.

I laughed out loud throughout, cried once, and was given to rueful reflection at some very moving scenes. Towards the end, a sad bit was quickly followed by some neat, vulgar wit. That’s good for me; I’m a big fan of sadness and vulgarity.

Overall though, ‘The Greatest’ was simply very uplifting – as was marked by the big standing ovation it received.

When the show finished I made a point of telling Billy McBain how much I’d enjoyed his performance. I’ve only done that sort of thing twice before – once to Babs Windsor in a pub in Soho, London, and another time to Lesley Joseph in a pub in Liverpool. I was quite sober when I spoke to Billy - but I was very, very drunk when  I expressed my admiration to Babs and Lesley. All three actors, it must be said, responded with good grace and charm. Babs even kissed me!

After the show finished in Glasgow, I trundled off with Alan Muir and my other friends, and we drank like journalists. A perfect evening.  

Arrrgh! Stop being jokey and cheerful, Sky News

I'm not enjoying Sky News as much as I used to - and I think the main reason is the expectation on news anchors to display their 'personalities'.

Particularly vexatious to my spirit is Sarah-Jane Mee. Hmmm ... if ever a name was designed for the rather narcissistic world of TV, eh?

In real life (and come ON! - telly is NOT real life) Sarah-Jane is a nice human being and a good journalist, I'm told. I can accept that.

But my point is that her on-screen persona is too bubbly, too cheerful; it detracts from the news, rather than communicating it clearly and giving some heft and appropriate colour to what is happening in our troubled world. The same can be said for many of her colleagues at Sky.

I've never worked in television, but I am a craft-trained and professionally-qualified NEWSPAPER journalist. I object to the way TV news expects women to be ... blonde, glamorous and chirruping away. As a feminist myself, I do not like to see that, and I don't think women should go along with it.

Regardless of gender, most of the Sky News reporters and presenters seem skilled. They recognise a news story, and don't spoil it too much by speaking words that must always match or 'speak to' the filmed images. I guess they're trained to do that rather too much; unnecessarily, in my view.

But even some of the male news presenters are too much into projecting humour, nearly always unsuccessfully. Some can't resist flirting with the studio guests and smiling archly at the camera in a smug way. Urgh ... stop it!

I think what makes TV news presenters behave in such a way is that they wrongly think that they have achieved a special status by being on the telly, being a 'TV star'.

They are deluded. Being on the TV is rather naff, frankly.

As for the newspaper reviewers, Sky News has some terrible umm-ing and errrr-ing ones. Only recently, I watched some dork from the Huff Post honking away, and a 'news editor' from some silly 'think tank' crapping on in a most annoying American accent.

And Sky News will keep inviting 'jourrnalists' from the Daily Express to be on-screen pundits. What?! No proper journalist takes the Express seriously any more. It's a joke.

I'm seriously thinking of offering myself to Sky News as a new gob-on-stick for the nightly paper reviews.

Well, at least I'm a real journalist ... and I'm eloquent.

UNtelevision - the show no-one dared make

Even back in 1990, I could tell that British TV was becoming ever blander, and turning its viewers' brains to mush.

So with my friend, Diane, I decided to do something about it. We created this pitch (below) for a new and very different kind of telly show, and sent it off to commissioning editors at Channel 4, and (I think) BBC2.

We hoped our idea would be picked up and the show would get made. At the time, I was the 'outspoken' TV critic for ITV's ORACLE Teletext service. Sadly, our idea for a show called UNtelevision never got turned into reality. 

Instead UK telly continued its decline into cultural cack and moron fodder such as X Factor and Britain's Got Talent, and endless dumb-ass cookery shows.

Shame. But do read our pitch below for UNtelevision. It should raise a few titters. And maybe such a show will get made one day. One day ... 

Introducing … UNtelevision

UNtelevision is the TV show for people who hate TV. Probably Britain’s biggest minority.

UNtelevision is TV with a sneering face. Two sneering faces, actually.

UNtelevision scorns tricksy graphics and fancy camera work. To be honest, it doesn’t much care for the visual at all. But it is well-written.

UNtelevision is basic. It doesn’t pose and it doesn’t offer a platform to poseurs. It despises most rock stars and all showbiz fluff-heads. It does not accept the premise that someone (however thick they might be) is a ‘celebrity’ ... just because they’ve appeared regularly on the telly!

So just what is UNtelevison?
It’s a weekly show, presented by Sam Brady and Diane McD, who aren’t exactly strangers to British TV but who feel it is suffering from terminal blandness.

Sam and Diane are young(ish), bitter and twisted. You’d be if you’d had their lives.

UNtelevision is anchored in their untidy ‘front parlour’. Their introductory chat on each show sets just the right tone of cynicism. These are the regular features of UNtelevision …

· GREEN – “live” from an endangered ancient wood in Sydenham, Sarf London, including a weekly visit to the home of Darren, Britain’s last surviving forest fairy. His mind, like his habitat, is heavily polluted.

· ISLINGTON BISTRO – we join Upper Street’s Sancerre set, who tell of the pain of inner city living in Thatcher’s Britain.

· YOU GOTTA HEAR THIS – an old fart insists you stay long enough to hear his all-time favourite LP track.

· TURN OFF – poisonous TV reviews by Sam and Diane.

· I WISH – the show’s totally straight and serious bit. Live from Wigan, from the traditional wish-making statue in the town’s park. Each week a notable person publicly makes a wish and explains why in a simple and moving ceremony.

· SHUT UP, SU POLLARD – the ultimate game show. Who can shut this woman up?

· Also, these occasional features – GET SEXY! …. NOT RICHARD AND JUDY … VALERIE SINGLETON SPEAKS.

For more Information contact Sam Brady (landline numbers supplied, no longer operable).

Nothing is easy just now …

The fearful, heart-stopping image of smoke-shrouded burning tower against the blue summer sky in London; then tragedy, deep emotions, grief, community solidarity, and unbidden acts of kindness.

Then thoughts of social injustice, and justifiable anger, mixed in with huge stress and worry for the people caught up in the Grenfell Tower tragedy.

Then irresponsible, opportunistic posturing by mainstream politicians (including Jeremy Corbyn and London’s Mayor Sadiq Khan).

Plus, what appeared to be an appalling lack of pastoral skill and human dignity from our Prime Minister Theresa May on her first visit to the scene.

Also, a lack of leadership and co-ordination, leading to chaos on the ground – where officials ought to have been providing constant reassurance, guidance, attention and care from the start of this tragedy.

And after all that came a very shouty demo, plus some depressing demonstrations of corporate blandness and ineffective PR training by emergency services spokespeople.

There are big questions to be answered about the tower’s recent cosmetic revamp. Why no sprinklers?  Were the fire alarms adequate? Why only one stairwell in and out? And the exterior cladding?  Did that help spread the inferno?

Of course, now we have a relentless targeting of the besieged Theresa May. She was under so much pressure already, with Brexit negotiations starting and her election gaffes.

A Christian pastor said he saw tears in her eyes when she talked, during a hastily-arranged private meeting at 10 Downing Street, to some of the victims of the fire.

So, were May’s tears those of compassion for people affected by the blaze? Or was she weeping for her own woes, as she faces widespread scorn and hatred among the public and the media, and the prospect of being forced from office by Machiavellian schemers in her government.

Perhaps both …

Nothing is easy in our country just now, but something is certainly wrong when a housing tower for poor and struggling people goes up in flames with such loss of life – and amid such opulence in the wealthiest borough in the mother city of the biggest empire in the history of our world.

I was glad to see the Queen struck the right healing note in her statement in which she drew attention to “a very sombre national mood”.

Referencing the recent terror attacks in Manchester and London as well as the Grenfell Tower fire, she said: “I have been profoundly struck by the immediate inclination of people throughout the country to offer comfort and support to those in desperate need.

“Put to the test, the United Kingdom has been resolute in the face of adversity. United in our sadness, we are equally determined, without fear or favour, to support all those rebuilding their lives so horribly affected by injury and loss.”

Amen to that, Your Majesty. Let’s say it again. Amen.

A small break from Westminster politics? PLEASE!

Sky News and other broadcasters must be busting their budgets right now on fees for pundits - and on taxi fares to get them to the studios.

So many gobs-on-sticks are being invited in to give their views on the Westminster impasse and related political issues such as Brexit.

Nerds from think tanks, piss-poor columnists from ailing newspapers (yes, I’m  thinking particularly of you, Susie Boniface), and loads of failed politicians … they’re all there, droning on, making me feel short of oxygen.

Look, I know politics HAS become a bit more interesting in the wake of the referendum in which a modest majority voted for Brexit.

And the hung Parliament resulting from the recent General Election has certainly added to the intrigue and the emotional impact of politics.

But, actually, I was not personally impressed by the surge in support for Corbyn. He’s still a loser, unpatriotic and naïve. And the fact that he has a young fan-base is a negative thing, in my view.

I do feel sorry for Theresa May, who was herself politically inept in following silly guidance from her (now resigned) advisors Nick Timothy and Fiona Hill, and in running a presidential-style campaign (very unBritish).

So now May’s trying to form and keep going a minority government by reaching an agreement with hugely intransigent, anti-gay Ulster unionists, while at the same time surviving a Machiavellian mega-bitch-fest underway among MPs of her own party.

Good luck with all that Theresa! It won’t work, of course. Soon there will be a putsch, or something approaching one in terms of rancour, and May will be finished.

Just for the moment, however, before any Tory leadership election can be arranged, it's right there should be a bit of a political lull, and a postponement of those talks on Brexit with the political and bureaucratic twonks in continental Europe.

And during this wee hiatus, I hope we can perhaps see some REAL news on Sky News and other networks – instead of the endless political ‘analysis’.

I certainly don’t want to hear young Owen Jones offering any more pearls of his self-proclaimed political wisdom – that’s for sure.

POLITICS – dangerous but VERY interesting right now

Although I'm a Lefty (a libertarian one, mind), I do like Theresa May. She has very British teeth; a pleasing mix of yellow, grey and black. They are  so impressive she deserves a cameo role as a pop-up Brit on Family Guy.

More importantly, her smile has a worked a kind of magic in recent times as she's outlined bits of her Brexit strategy. In particular her elegant threat to get tough on trade if the EU doesn’t play nicely in negotiations has been accompanied by warning flashes of her fangs.

As for her recent shoulder-heaving guffaws during Prime Minister's Questions ... that was spectacular, and marked her out as a winner, frankly. 

Politics sure are interesting and entertaining just now – as well as scary. With Trump and all his ramifications, plus Brexit, it’s good to see the world’s two leading English-speaking nations causing such shock waves. And I must confess to having enjoyed all the discomfort and huffing and puffing of the snooty, and quite intolerant, left-liberal types in this country over what’s been happening to politics. 

Regarding President Trump, who knows what plotting is going on behind closed doors across the pond? Trump has colourfully, publicly and emphatically criticised the US intelligence agencies. Given his new job, that’s a potential game-changer.

But let’s ignore all the procedural stuff for now; all the claims and denials about Trump; his intemperate tweets; and his spats with various luvvies and the media. What will, sooner or later, finish him is the belief held by many sane, morally-upright and intelligent people in the USA that The Donald lacks the personal dignity and temperament to be President. It’s a view shared by many senior and experienced people in politics, the law, and the secret services.

Barack Obama has reminded millions of people in the recent past of just how important dignity, eloquence and personal grace are in a leader.

Having Trump as President is fraught with instability and danger, of course, especially with so much bubbling potential for armed conflict – on Europe’s Baltic borders, in the South China Sea and in the Middle East.

Just where is the world heading politically? It's an important question.

Politics is vital for the survival of humanity. Wild beasts can get by without politics, and so can angels, but mankind cannot. Politics stops us ripping each other apart – though it hasn’t exactly seemed like that in recent times.

How politics has traditionally worked in the West is by using various forms of representative liberal democracy to deliver freedom under the law within nations to citizens.

But, quite apart from the Trump effect, many people feel that model is no longer fit for purpose. We live in a globalised world made politically and socially dysfunctional by terrorism, a rise in tyrannical leaders, massive migration, rampant capitalism, growing inequalities and climate change.

On our own shores, we face great uncertainties in the Brexit negotiations. It will take more than the power of Theresa May’s smile to resolve everything. It isn’t even clear if the European Union will exist for much longer in its current forms and levels – if right-wingers do well in elections later this year within member nations.

Everywhere, the people, the voters, are unhappy. Not just with the old-fashioned system of ’democratic’ politics which allows each person just one tiny moment of freedom every few years to vote in elections. The rest of the time, certainly for most people in West, the way we live and work results in profound alienation. Why should most people be expected to travel to a workplace five-days-a-week just to survive? Why are we over-producing and over-consuming in such a way? Why are there so many street beggars and rough sleepers? 

I’m not sure what system exactly can replace the old politics but I feel we need to focus on: working for the common good; ensuring everyone gets enough cultural and family time; and recognising the essential dignity of all human beings across the world

The situation is so worrying that I’m considering making a modest contribution to getting us all out if this mess by founding a new political movement – the Humane, Intelligent, Libertarian Left (HILL). Anyone up for the ascent?

Talentless telly luvvies, I'm on your case ...

Let me get this right. To be regarded as 'talent' on British TV, and get paid a fortune for it, you need to: wave your hands about and say 'amazing!' a lot; be thick (or pretend to like thick people); and have your teeth whitened. Err ... that's it!

Forgive me. I’ve been watching rather too much of the stuff in recent times, because I’ve been ill. Thinking about it, I’m surprised that staring at the telly for so long, with all its energy-sapping effects, didn’t finish me off.

An author I greatly admire, John Irving, rightly satirised the medium in his superb novel A Prayer for Owen Meany. One of its characters dies in front of the TV; she’s found in the morning with her cold thumb stuck on the remote-control button that’s relentlessly roaming the channels. She’s died in a hopeless search for something good to watch.

Irving comments: “At the time, in 1989, it seemed a fairly unusual way to die. Nowadays, I suspect, more and more people are dropping off that way. And we’re still looking for something good on television. We won’t find it. There is precious little on TV that can keep us awake or alive.”

In my former life as a TV critic (as Sam Brady on ITV’s ORACLE and Teletext services), I struggled to take seriously anything I watched. And I found myself despising all the luvvies and jackass presenters I met at launches.

The one question I longed to put to the TV actors I met was this: So, you dress up and pretend to be other people for a living; now where is the dignity in that? But, of course, that’s not how the industry works. I guess I wasn’t cut out to be a TV critic – but my attitude didn’t half give my reviews an edge, and the readers seemed to love them.

Back then, in the ‘90s, I regarded television as a huge and sinful waste of creative energy. I still do. I’m mystified by the success of things like Strictly – camp tosh which encourages physical narcissism. Likewise, X Factor, with all its gormless caterwauling karaoke monkeys. As for Ninja Warrior UK, oh pur-lease!

The undoubted ratings success of the Great British Bake-Off was something I couldn’t really fathom. The show was harmless enough, I guess, but hardly exciting or about anything important. It’s main problem for me was Sue Perkins and her incredible innate smugness. I find her, and lots of other successful presenters, to be vexatious to my spirit, frankly.

There are new versions of trash formats coming up, apparently. Gary Barlow looking for boys to be in a musical, for instance. Arrgghh! And The Voice is back – this time on ITV. My reaction to the new series is SWF (so f***ing what!) – I won’t watch, whichever channel ‘poaches’ it.

Then there are programmes where adults simply behave like kids; whooping and cheering and having tantrums, such as on Celebrity Big Brother. The only celebrity I recognised on the current show is Angie Best, and only because I once took her for lunch to interview her, and found her to be quite charmless.

Of course, television is greatly expanded now, with masses of digital choice; catch-up stuff and all. But very little of that appeals to me. Certainly, Game of Thrones is a turn-off.

Sci-fi and the supernatural are genres particularly poorly served by contemporary TV. Doctor Who has lost the plot. Seriously, it’s plots are now incoherent. As for The OA on Netflix, it’s bonkers.

So, is there anything I will watch? Yes, I quite like Sky News, though not when Kay Burley is presenting or reporting.

I love Family Guy. Its creator, the American Seth MacFarlane, is a genius. I’m a big fan of the Gimme, Gimme, Gimme repeats. And I’m very much looking forward to watching the new series of Not Going Out. Otherwise, I’m very much in favour of going out.

C4's catastrophic attempt at comedy

It’s no surprise that TV commissioning bosses are  utterly out of touch, but really, how can anyone find Channel 4’s nasty sitcom Catastrophe even remotely funny?

Everything that could be wrong is wrong. It's poorly and coarsely written and badly acted by two very unappealing principal players, Sharon Horgan and Rob Delaney.

The episode shown on Tuesday 3 November 2015 was sexually explicit – but not in a clever or funny way; rather in a cold and de-sensitised manner. It made me despair about humanity, quite apart from reinforcing my view that the TV ‘creative’ community in Britain exists in a giant, delusional grove of self-adulation.

This was the ep that had new mum Sharon (confusingly, the lead actors and the principal characters in this cackfest of a comedy share the same forenames) become disillusioned with the company of new mums in her local area – sneeringly so with one new mum in particular.

Having said that, almost everything the character of Sharon says or does involves sneering. It's really unattractive.

Elsewhere in the ep I watched – and I won’t be viewing any more –  Sharon’s fella Rob had some new woman at his office come on to him sexually. That was all a bit overdone and obvious.

But the most offensive and least funny bit was the scene when Rob got verbally nasty with a new mum who had given the cold shoulder to Sharon. That was misogynistic. Very nasty.

Listen up, telly bosses; the very best sitcoms say something redeeming about human beings, but for Catastrophe that’s not even on the agenda. This s a charmless and depressing offering, which is why I ought to be surprised – but actually I’m not – that Channel 4 thinks it is a quality offering. Ha! Now that is quite funny.

It's even been mentioned as one of the shows that could be at risk if this ailing channel is sold off, as the Government is currently considering. Apparently, another casualty could be the silly, guffawing excuse for a chat show fronted by the hugely over-rated Alan Carr.

So let's get on with it! Any bidders?

On TV, dignity just doesn't matter any more

Contemporary British TV is a very good barometer of the pisspoor philosophical and spiritual conditions which prevail across our territory.

X Factor (ITV) shows just how awful things have become. The expressions of banality and superficial emotion, the looks of slack-jawed gormlessness – and that’s just Nick Grimshaw. Don’t even get me started on the contestants!

Those caterwauling karaoke monkees, and the do-they-don’t-they-get-a-chair sweaty dilemmas of the judges … well surely the viewers aren’t so thick that they can’t see through such charades?

Hmmmm … well, maybe the viewers are utterly stoopid now. After all, that’s what 99 per cent of TV programmes do – they make those watching (at home or on computers or mobile devices) become thicker and thicker as time goes on.

Talking of time passing, it was hilarious to see the awful Duran Duran (so bad they named them twice) on Jools Holland’s Later (BBC2) recently. Looking like mutton dressed as mutton, Simon Le Bon pranced about the stage like dignity just doesn’t matter anymore. Perhaps it doesn’t.

The band members appeared on TV again several nights later, on some obscure Freeview channel or other, collecting an MTV award for their highly pretentious music videos of a couple of decades ago. Unbelievable!

Dignity in performance – requiescat in pace.

 

Cheery cynicism at the Edinburgh Fringe!

I’m still in recovery from my annual pilgrimage to the Edinburgh Fringe – and the associated piss-up with pals from my days as a newspaper journalist in Scotland.

We had a ball as usual but it started badly for me. Before setting off to meet in a bar on Saturday lunchtime, I quickly grabbed what I assumed was an antihistamine tablet and swallowed it.

Turns out it was a sleeping tablet. Ah well, that bit of foil they're wrapped in looks similar, and I can’t be expected to read everything, not with my watery eyes.

So the start of our get together was a little fuzzy for me. At first, I assumed a great depression had descended on me. Well, I am a Catholic from Wigan and unlucky in love …

Don’t know what my mates thought during the early stages my near-catatonic state. Maybe they reckoned I was balefully reflecting on the futility of human existence. I do that frequently, as it goes, especially now that I work in Runcorn.  ‘Thank you! I’m here all week…’

No, lads, it was the sleeping tab that did for me, at least temporarily.

It is, however, impossible to stay miserable or sleepy for long in the midst of such excellent company – Alan and Colin, John, Scott … and Brian (who knows a thing or two about arts festivals).  

By the time we got to our pre-arranged karaoke bar I was ready to swing and sing. Also, I set a new world record time for drinking three large glasses of red wine (i.e.a full bottle) in five minutes. That helped.

And so I was able to belt out ‘A Town Called Malice’ with some gusto. Ditto ‘Shout to the Top’ and ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart'. That last one I dedicated to another Scottish friend, Chris, who couldn’t be around for that part of the proceedings, but did rock up throughout the long and boozy day.

We did see some live performers, in case you’re wondering. We saw Rodney Bewes’ one-man show, which was charming and sweet, like the man himself. After that show my friend Alan played the ardent fan in front of Rodney Bewes on a scale I've not witnessed since my own awestruck stances at various Roddy Frame gigs.

We were all impressed by Stewart Lee’s show. He displays a cynicism which is paradoxically refreshing and entirely appropriate in these ghastly times we are living through.

Lee’s timing is perfect. His confident but subtle bitching about the more mainstream of comedians - the sort that become whores to the TV industry - was very enjoyable. I was also impressed by his trademark repetitions and slow-build-ups.

Later we went to see the Irish comic Ed Byrne, and he was rubbish – “pish” to use a Scolttish word. I’d forgotten, incidentally, that he had - along with 50-odd other showbiz fluffheads - signed a 2010 open letter published in The Grauniad, stating opposition to Pope Benedict XVI's state visit to the UK. If I’d remembered that I would never have agreed to pay to watch the lightweight berk.    

Byrne did a dull observational comedy routine about parents who take their kids to Costa coffee bars – so lame.  And his overlong routine about his diarrhoea just made me feel uncomfortable. I felt Byrne was just going through the motions (no pun intended) with his show; and that’s not good enough for Edinburgh.

With such a level of complacency I’m not surprised that Byrne is one of those inoffensive, wet comedians, who are fawned over by those despicable people, the TV commissioning bosses.

Talking of which, mindful of the fact that Edinburgh’s International Television Festival (or International Whores’ Convention, if you prefer) was looming, we, the auld gang, took our leave of the fine old city.

But we’ll be back!  We are coming back here!  And we are going to install a fecking karaoke machine!

PS There was a comedian called Sam Brady at the Fringe. Apparently, he is quite well established. I didn’t get a chance to see him. Did he take inspiration for his act from my column on the old ITV ORACLE service?  Hmmm … After looking at his website, I somehow doubt it, as comedian Sam Brady's’ style is apparently ‘friendly, warm, enthusiastic’, and he likes to emphasise human kindness. Sounds interesting, though… good luck to him!

TV: precious few gems among SO MUCH crap

The state of the la la land that is TV just get worse and worse. Apart from occasional gems, such as the timely repeat of ITV’s Cilla* in recent days, there is so much junk.

Why, for instance does the BBC persist in churning out Casualty and Holby City? They aren’t dramas. They are textbook examples of hand-wringing, liberal issues-led dross.

Coronation Street, meanwhile, is nowhere near as good as it was. It shouldn’t keep chugging away with crisis-heavy storylines, and preachy stuff such as Steve suffering depression, and now Cathy being addicted to hoarding rubbish, and Carla  becoming a problem gambler.

However, the actress who plays Cathy, Melanie Hill, is brilliant. I loved her role as Cilla Black’s mum in ITV’s hit biopic miniseries – especially her yodelling scene. I hope Melanie becomes a mainstay in Corrie as Cathy – but please add some beef to her role.

It was good to see John White as Cilla’s Dad, too. He was so good in Early Doors, one of the few occasions the BBC have ever managed an intelligent take on soulful northern English humour and pathos.

Northern humour still does surface in Corrie, of course, but rarely. The last time I laughed out loud was months ago when Scary Mary talked of her prowess at yoga. "My crescent moon is the talk of the community centre,” she boasted. Fffnnnarrr!

And now, after endless boring cookery shows, we have some awful, overblown bollox of a barbeque competition, ITV’s BBQ Champ. Two things I find irritating about it instantly …

(A) It’s a rip-off of the BBC’s Great British Bake-Off, and that was hardly worth copying.

And (B), two of the new show’s ‘stars’ are among the most irritating people ever to appear on telly. (I know! There’s a lot of competition; are you listening Phillip Schofield and Su Perkins?)

The two supremely annoying people in BBQ Champ are, of course, Myleene Klass and Adam Richardson. Oh, come on, it needs saying!

On a sombre note, there’s something else I need to say too… Requiescat In Pace, Cilla Black.

So Newzoids … not a bad effort from ITV

The UK general election campaign is, in itself, a big unwitting satire show.

Plastic politicians endlessly crap on about “hard working families” and “our NHS”. BBC “journalists” (or Guardian readers, as I call them) report everything with a totally synthetic seriousness.

It’s all so pointless, actually. Everyone who is intelligent knows that our model of government – representative liberal democracy within nations– is no longer even the slightest bit fit for purpose.

How could it be – in a planet so damaged by things that are global in their awfulness - environmental abuse, rapacious capitalism, and terrorism?

Still, we have a general election campaign and I suppose we should vote. At least it means we can be free … if only for a few seconds.

And with British politicians doing such a great job of sending themselves up, there's no much point in having a telly show to satirise them.

But actually I’m rather pleased by what I’ve seen of ITV’s Newzoids  – i.e. last night’s offering. This new puppet show (which has been compared to Spitting Image) is steering away somewhat from party politics, maybe because the election is on and regulations require TV to be fair and even-handed.

Even so, I think it was a good idea of Newzoids to feature Ed Milliband in a spoof version of C4’s Embarrasing Bodies show. The Labour Leader just doesn’t feel comfortable in his own skin, apparently. No kidding!

And I was pleased to see ITV have a go at the BBC’s preposterous recent Dr Who output. It’s the Doctor’s sonic screwdriver, see. It’s so good at getting clueless scriptwriters out of their many plot cul-de-sacs. Nice one.

I also thought the Princess Charles and Camilla snogging sequence was hilarious – if somewhat vomit-inducing.

And I sniggered to see: the puppet of Sky TV’s ghastly presenter Kay Burley had a literal (as opposed to a metaphorical) forked tongue; Jeremy Clarkson being made an 'Offender of the Realm'; and Alan Carr rightly portrayed as a silly showbiz fluffhead.   

So well done ITV!  You always were my favourite station. And you are still just about up there, with recent improvements in Coronation Street and the continued glorious vulgarity of Benidorm.

All ITV needs to do now to keep me happy is commission a British version of Family Guy and screen an episode every night.

Sexual objectification, my arse, Madonna!

Kind of despite myself, I enjoyed the recent Jonathan Ross Show featuring Madonna (and no-one else).

That she didn’t have to share the sofa with a bunch of ghastly luvvies or thick TV presenters made it all pleasantly watchable.

I think Ross probably went off the pre-arranged script with some of his questions ...

 

Madonna frowned at him a few times and shot him what passed for a few dirty looks (I think that’s what they were; on a face as immobile as hers, that’s had so much treatment, it’s hard to discern the exact meaning of attempted facial expressions).

But Madonna was mostly game for the duration of this show, and it was nice to see her back in Britain. She made it big here, after all, before she did in her native territory across the pond.

And I think there is something quite British about Madonna, strangely; something essential to her personality; not connected to her marriage or residency here.

I think of her as an ‘honorary Brit’ and I certainly mean that as a compliment.

I don’t think she should be dressing in such an over-sexualised way at her age, mind, but I will forgive her that transgression.

And I don’t think the likes of Miley Cyrus should be doing that sort of thing either; it’s demeaning to her also, as a young woman. Nor do I think that Madonna should have defended Miley’s antics to Ross. Madonna's arguments about that on the show were rubbish. ‘Objectification’, my arse, if you get my drift …

But she is Madonna. She’s achieved a lot in her life. She’s given millions of people, including myself, a lot of pleasure. I fondly remember dancing like a tit to ‘Borderline’ and all those early hits, for instance, back in the day in Norwich. Thanks, Madge!